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I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet ...
Old and new concerns for people of the baby boom generation.
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Keg
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux. ...
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
...
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friend compliments you on your new ...
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small
tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together ...
On a train there was George Bush, Bill Clinton, Janet Reno and Jennifer
Lopez. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark
tunnel and the unmistakable ...
Winterize your lawn, the big sign outside the garden store
commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and
watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I m supposed to ...
Billion.... The next time you hear a politician casually use the word "billion", think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money. A billion is a difficult ...
Adult One Liners
Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What ...
If you're a kleptomanic, take something for it.
I hope I die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in
horror like his passengers.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now ...
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said "You know, if you firmed this
up, we could get rid of your girdle". While ...
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a ...
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of the
sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and in a ...
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I'd rather die living than live dying.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your ...
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day ... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of ...
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in ...
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating ...
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of
testing and background checks ...
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what ...
WHAT THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU
In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are ...
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime ...
Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be sh*ttin' me" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of the USA.
Way back, George ...
This answers the age old question of why do we have to do it this way?
Origins of engineering specs and government decisions.
Ever wonder where engineering specifications ...
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in
the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and
with a smile said ...
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