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Things that sound dirty at Christmas...

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But aren't . . . I think your balls are hanging too low. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall. Santa's sack is really bulging! Did you get ...

'Foxy Roxy'

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The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK! He was a little dazed and asked, "What was that for?" ...

Monkey, Lizard, and a Crocodile

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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, ...

Alabama Traffic Stop

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets  pulled over by a sheriff's deputy in Opp , Alabama . He thinks that he is smarter than  the deputy because he is a lawyer from New ...

20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

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20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the ...

Blonde joke (a short one)

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Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever

Things you learn from the movies

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1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not. 2. At least one of a pair of identical twins ...

Quote of the Week

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"[Some parents] want their Ambers and their Alexanders to grow up in a cozy womb of non-competition, where everybody shares tofu, and Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad ...

3 AM

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the ...

Cussing

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A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in ...

Quote

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A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. - Carl Sagan

Twelve letters of Christmas

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Well, it is now the Christmas season, and I think it is time for the twelve letters of Christmas... Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 14, ...

MacGregor the Fence Builder

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A Scottish old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, says to a young man, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by ...

No arms and no legs

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A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," ...

Family Planning

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Redneck birth control After having their 11th child, a Missouri couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his ...

Consultant Humor

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WHERE DO CONSULTANTS GO WHEN THEY DIE? There once was a consultant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made ...

Little Johnny (1)

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One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have ...

Sexual Relations

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An elderly couple was watching television, and they only spoke to one another during the commercials. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever ...

Anger Management

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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...

Buffalo Theory

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In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. I don't think we've ever heard the concept ...

Osama and the Genie

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While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said ...

Sex sandals

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Sex sandals  This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this sandal shop.  From ...

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

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How to wash the cat: 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water-a strong industrial solvent often works best-and lift both ...

100 fun ways to order pizza

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100 FUN WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER 1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a ...

 

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