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Capitalism and Cows

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN ...

Oxymoron List

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OXYMORON LIST (April 1998) (Oxymoron - - an epigrammatic witty, often paradoxical effect, by which contradictory terms are used in conjunction) 50. Act naturally 49. Found ...

Quotes

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"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why ...

Barbie's letter to Santa

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Dear Santa:  Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid ...

New State Mottos

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New State Mottos Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing ...

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

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Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access ...

Quickies

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went ...

Quote (2)

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Who said "A sewer worker is like a brain surgeon. We're both specialists."

Justice in the Middle East

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A Dutchman, an Australian, and a New Zealander are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol ...

Witness

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In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing ...

Good Doctoring

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A woman went to the Doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down ...

Santa's Little Helpers

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I suppose this explains why he's always so jolly...
Santa's little helpers

Farmer's donkey fell down a well (updated ending)

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and ...

Clinton and the hooker

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Every morning Bill Clinton takes a jog in his new home town of Chappaqua. Each day he passes a hooker on a particular street corner and, as he goes by, she shouts out, ...

At the Doctor's Office

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and ...

The route

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as ...

Spoiled food

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HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED ====================================== Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, ...

Lisping Dwarf

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A dwarf with a lisp went to a horse show to buy a mare. He wandered around until he came across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He ...

Twelve bugs of Christmas

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For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and ...

Confession

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Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I." ...

Cowboy Logic

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic. A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote ...

Things to say when phoning in sick

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I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in ...

Clinton's New Dog

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As most of you already know, former President Clinton's dog Buddy was killed when he ran out in front of an automobile. A nationwide search is underway to find a replacement for ...

WMD's

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Try this soon, before Google fixes its site: 1) Go to Google.com; 2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction" 3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, ...

 

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