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Ha

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Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant. Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money ...

Capitalism and Cows

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN ...

...walks into a bar

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Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. ...

Twelve bugs of Christmas

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For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and ...

Alaska Accident

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The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. ...

48 phrases we wish we could say at work

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1. Ahhh... I see the f_ck-up fairy has visited us again... 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for ...

Barbie's letter to Santa

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Dear Santa:  Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid ...

Hollywood Squares 2

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Here are some quotes from Hollywood Squares Game Show in the 70's, when game show's responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. God bless Paul Lynde, Rose ...

What you didn't learn in school

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For high school and college graduates, here is a list of 11 things they did not learn in school. In his book, Bill Gates talks about how feel-good, politically correct ...

Charlie Brown

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A few years ago Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, "Why Me, Charlie Brown?" Recently MetLife put ...

Thanksgiving Dinner

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Thanksgiving Dinner Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've ...

10 things I hate about Star Trek

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By an anonymous Trekkie.  10. Noisy doors.  You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding ...

Heavy Thinker

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It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social ...

Cow Watch - 2002

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Condemned Cow Escapes Last Friday, a cow weighing in excess of one thousand pounds jumped an eight foot high fence and escaped from the Ken Myers Meats meat-packing plant in ...

Politically Correct Holiday Wishes (with warrantee)

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Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, ...

Reindeer

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the ...

Better than Notstradamus

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Better than Nostradamus?  <IMAGE>

How to settle the 2000 Presidential Election

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How to settle the 2000 Presidential Election: Ok, Folks. I've given the people in Florida plenty of time to get this election finished. Now It is my turn: #1: Al Gore ...

Quote

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Who originally said... "My greatest wish is that none of my children become lawyers."

REJECTION LINES

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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.") ...

HOW TO BE A MORON IN AMERICA

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HOW TO BE A MORON IN AMERICA Latest Entries in the Moron Award Sweepstakes. Not quite stupid enough for the Darwin awards, but they are working on it. A man walked into a ...

The Amish and Elevators

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The Amish and Elevators... An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the ...

Life lessons

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1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances ...

 

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