Humor
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A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The
4-year-old nods his head in ...
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, ...
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, ...
A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made
by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly ...
Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers ...
A first grade teacher in Oakland explains to her class that
she is a Raider fan. She asks her students to raise their
hands if they, too, are Raider fans.
Everyone in the ...
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could ...
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer ...
"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we
were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why ...
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when you're ...
Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use "as is", or ...
A Floridian, a New Yorker, and a Canadian are in a bar one night having some
beers. The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and ...
Into an Irish pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking ...
Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are:
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct ...
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, I get a little each month, but not ...
Two men are hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly falls to the
ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing. The second man pulls out his
cell phone and dials 911. He ...
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
There is always a way.
The easy way is always mined.
...
A man and woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable unfaithfulness when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it ...
It was late night, and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year-old daughter, Kate Lyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911. Due to ...
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV,
and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but ...
( We take you now to the Oval Office... )
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: ...
Twas the night of Thanksgiving.
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - ...
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table, and
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?", he
squeaks.
Papa Bear ...
Dr. Seuss on Aging
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell ...
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