Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
DECEPTIVE SEX:
A man and his secretary are having a torrid affair. One afternoon they can't
contain their passion, so they rush over to her place where they spend the
afternoon making passionate love. When they're finished, they fall asleep,
not waking until 8 o'clock. They get dressed quickly, then the man tells his
secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered,
she does as he asks, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she
asks where he's been. The man replies, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary
and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place,
spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, notices his shoes and yells, "I can see those grass
stains on your shoes, YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't
you?"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man is in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" is mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assures him that modern medicine can give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it's
considered cosmetic.
The doctor says that the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for
"medium, $14,000 for "large." The man is sure he wants a medium or large,
but the doctor urges him to talk it over with his wife before he makes any
decision. The man calls his wife on the phone and explains their options.
The doctor comes back into the room, and finds the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asks the doctor.
The man answers, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
