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"Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, My
ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home
Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to ...
A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo
woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the
car and the Navajo woman ...
TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl accidentally kills the
first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers ...
THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell
her I just met the girl ...
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the
boat sank. The man found ...
F-16 Jets Force Plane Down In Citrus County
F-16 fighter jets were called into action Tuesday night in Citrus County
to force a plane down.
Authorities said that the plane ...
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind ...
Things I've Learned as I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and
give in.
I've learned ...
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5000 types of snakes, and 4998 live in Florida.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 ...
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she ...
Things NOT to say to the nice police officer:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
...
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his ...
But aren't . . . I think your balls are hanging too low. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall. Santa's sack is really bulging! Did you get ...
THINGS TO PONDER
1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you ...
1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
2. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed ...
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in ...
THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: What the f_ck was I thinking"
"Congratulations on your ...
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins ...
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
As every cat owner knows, you don't really own a cat, the cats owns you.
...
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I ...
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is ...
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and ...
So, this guy is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can ...
This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, ...
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