BARS virus
The World Health Organization (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about
BARS (Beer Alcohol Requirement Syndrome). A newly identified problem has
spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer
Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages.
Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect
people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not
known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people
world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to
consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on
Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly,
singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence,
uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.
In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak
incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing
and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually
accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or
"Wanna see how fast it goes?"
If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine
yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms
have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very
short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.
Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property,
killer headaches and divorce.
