Almost DARWIN Award Winners
These are not DARWIN Award Winners, but they are pretty close...
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence...
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.With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent
two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give
himself up...
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.And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped
a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.
The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts...
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.And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?! A 9-year-old boy in
Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary
school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in
Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate
a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's
"zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence"
policy...
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.Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire
investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed
a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed
fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said
the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new
security system..."
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.And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized
after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad
tongs.
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.The Getaway... A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
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.Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late
twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from
his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him
find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked
to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a
Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the
missing brain.
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.Have I Got A Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride
in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist
flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space
travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the
splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel
from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore
mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also
available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made
off with over six million dollars...
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.Too Well-Educated... In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with
an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There
are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another
field, all this may not have happened..."
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.Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money
or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
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.Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise
when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front
of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and
jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion
taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in
custody...
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.Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone:
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man
shouted. "This is her husband!"
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.Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard
King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without
a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder
what he uses for a knife?
