How to know whether or not you are ready to have children...
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this
would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything that
they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfulls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to
be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00
a.m. Set the alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this
up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it
into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece
of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, and an empty box
of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of
chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go
to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training
and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy the experience. It will be the last time you will have all of the
answers.
