Revocation of Independence
to: The citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will circulated next year to determine whether any of you
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen" but
only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would
be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been
the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 7th will be a new national
holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.