New Discovery at Los Alamos
LOS ALAMOS - New Science Discovery
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The fire at Los Alamos has one significant
consequence. A secret scientific document was
discovered in a bunker whose security systems
were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was
leaked to the public last weekend.
Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already
suspect. But it does show that the government has
known all along that besides arsenic, lead,
mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more
extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists.
Investigators at a major research institution have
discovered the heaviest element known to science.
This startling new discovery has been tentatively
named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50
years. This new element has no protons or electrons,
thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however,
have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory
neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force
called morons, of which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four
days to complete when it would normally take less
than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life
of approximately three years; it does not decay but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory
neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Governmentium sample's mass will
actually increase over time, since with each
reorganization some of the morons inevitably
become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This
characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to speculate that Governmentium is
formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".
