Men Jokes
It's "Let's pick on men instead of blondes" time...
What do you call a handcuffed man?............Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name? ............You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?............Because if they all
went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?............Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?............They're hard to get
started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?..........When you can just
barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?............We cook-they eat;
we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?............By sucking in their stomachs
every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?..........Make him wear
shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?............He buys two
cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?............All he's
concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?............
ONE.........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
What did God say after creating man?............I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?............Any place
without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain?............Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to
women........Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?............A woman to
show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?............Telling you
his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?............Put the
remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent
man?............Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?............"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?............So men can
understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?............Because you're always
supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating?............To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?............To keep them from
grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?............Because after 30
seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one
egg?............Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?...........When the crew
gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
............When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there
