WARNING Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau
WARNING Issued By The Southern Tourism Bureau To All Visiting Yankees
1) Don't order steak at the Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day,
so let them cook something they know.
2) Don't laugh at Southern peoples' names. (Merleen, Bodie, Gertrude, Joe Boy,
Sudie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, Billy Bob etc.)
These people have been known to whup a man's ass for less.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a beating. Down
South it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or
whatever else; its a Coke.
4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC
(Tennessee, Auburn, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.) All the others are
just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.
5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage.
Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We
are also better-educated and generally a lot nicer. We have plenty of business
sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV,
Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgement (e.g.
Clinton, Fordice, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb, because
we will whup your ass.
6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend
your money, and get the hell out of here.
7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that
you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on
your grits.
8) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot.
9) We don't play soccer, lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy Northern
games. So don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.
10) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to
and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
All other Southerners do understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters.
Now, go the hell home.
11) Last but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to make
barbecue. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here.
Question our barbecue and go home in a pine box.
Any questions?
Y'all come back, now, heah?
