College letter
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to
date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any
further unless you are sitting down ... OK?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I
only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally
and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire
Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and
since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a
basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set
the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love
and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood
tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up,
thanks to my daily penicillin injections.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind,
and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a
different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years
of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is
somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His
family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an
important gunbearer in his native African village.
I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to
know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or
skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not
engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in
my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I
wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!
P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others
