Debate Transcript
As a service for those subscribers who didn't have time to watch the
presidential debate
last night, we have prepared this transcript of what was actually
said...
Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore
and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I
will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver
rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.
The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten
senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired,
I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible
statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name
of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that
strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way
we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to
cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand,
want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't
hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs.
Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay
for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems
for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with
them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want
to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush. Furthermore, I enjoy
killing prisoners.
Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were
to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
pronounce his name?
Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about
that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick
would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then
Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas,
I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're
going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I
served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison
gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And
when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in
a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm
entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably
with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad
lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can
comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore:
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed
changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion
over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee
who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?
Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do
math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm
going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to
reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds or use the money to
kill more prisoners, which did I mention, I enjoy doing?
Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements.
Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will
fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the
White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one
but Republicans. Then, we can appoint judges who will take away your
rights, but I don't want to discuss that because it might lose me votes.
Vote for me, I'm friendly and I'm learning to pronounce new words every
day.
Lehrer:
Good night.
