Redneck letter
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read
in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 30 miles
from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Alabama family that lived here took the house numbers when
they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About the coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we
cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what
it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other
two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.
Your favorite Aunt, MOM
