Bad American
I am a BAD American.
I like big cars, big guns, and big tits. I believe the money I make
belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary
with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts
squeezing out babies.
I don't think playing with guns makes you a killer. I don't think being
a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a
racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I know that no matter how big
Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in America, you do it in
English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such
crap.
I know what the definition of "is" is. I didn't take the initiative in
inventing the Internet. I want them to bring back safe and sane
fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osborne, Ice-T or
Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being an art student doesn't give you
any more insight than working at Blockbuster. I don't want to eat or
drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and
they can do it in their schools. I think the WNBA is cool, as is the US
Women team(s)' Soccer Team - because they kick ass.
My heroes are John Wayne, Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, Norman
Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine
Woman".
I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes Iraqis deader
and movies more interesting.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I think global warming is
Chicken Little junk science.
I've never owned or was a slave; I didn't wander forty years in the
desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches
or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so
shut-the-hell-up already.
Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and
admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous
liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a 6 year old with a Play
Station.
I want to know exactly which church it is where the Rev. Jesse Jackson
preaches.
I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen DeGeneres puts her
tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if
you're running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner
can still kiss my ass.
I worry about dying before I get even.
I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a
stoplight, and I'm pretty sure the Latino girl selling them to me is
glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator-packing carton outside
Ensenada.
I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but
enjoyed it anyway.
I think turkey bacon sucks.
I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out
that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police
eventually pull out of the car are not gonna be honor roll middle-class
high school kids but gang-banging losers from the wrong side of town.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes a
parent with a firm voice and a firmer hand. I think tattoos and
piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a
political statement and not a fad. I like hard women, hard liquor and a
hard bowel movement first thing in the morning, and don't even think
about asking me if I want a rice cake.
I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for
your living room.
I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was "Sands of Iwo
Jima" and "Ole Yeller".
I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's
feelings.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I believe if you can't fill out a simple ballot correctly you should not
vote. "STUPID PEOPLE SHOULD NOT VOTE" especially in FLorida.
YES, I am a BAD American.
